I have felt a disconnect between us for a while now. Right now he's asleep in the bedroom. I'm in the living room on my laptop. I forgot he was here.
In some ways I wish he hadn't come with me. I know he hates it here and I feel guilty, because I was the one who got the job. I took him away from his job, his friends, his whole life. I know he chose to come with me, but that doesn't make me feel less guilty at all. In fact, it makes it worse. He chose to give it all up, and now I feel like it's not working anymore. And I don't know how to fix it.
He doesn't seem to make any effort either. He doesn't even touch me unless I ask him for a hug. Once I tried to see how long it would take him to say something to me. Three days later I broke the silence. Now I don't let that happen. He does start conversations now, but not often. He still doesn't touch me.
I don't know what to do. I feel like he thinks that he is trapped here. I think that he wants to leave but he can't because he's broke and there are no jobs here. I think that he resents me for making him come to this horrible place.
I want to tell him that it's ok. I understand.
I want to tell him to get out, leave, go back home.
Most of all I want him to love me again.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Unfair
I had planned on talking to Tom about what happened on Christmas Eve when we got back to work on Monday. I prefer to talk to him in person, so that I can get a better read on what he is really saying. Body language tells a lot more than what comes out of the person's mouth. But he wasn't there on Monday, and no one at work had heard anything. So after work I texted him "Are you busy?" to see if he was available to talk. He texted back "yep. my father in law passed away. i'm running around to funeral homes and churches". Holy shit. I replied with my condolences. So now I'm thinking a bunch of horrible things. Like, did he know that his wife's father was sick, and still try to hook up with me anyway?
I also talked to Coreen at work about it, mainly because I needed to talk to someone who knew both of us. My friends out on the west coast, much as I rely on them, are all in favor of cutting him off completely. Coreen knows how our friendship was, and will understand a little better what a loss this is for me. She was shocked, like most people have been. She also informed me that he used to be a preacher. Of course. I mean, I knew he was religious, he's got a damn Bible in his cube and a bunch of "praise Jesus" music on his ipod. Why is it that this is the kind of thing you hear about all the time? Straight laced men who are all about Jesus, and then they are secretly cheating on their wives?
So now it is the Sunday after New Year's, and I will most likely see and talk to him tomorrow. After thinking about it for over a week and even writing out a bunch of mean things that I would like to say to him, I still have no idea what I will actually end up saying. And I think I know the reason for that. Of all the people that I've talked to about this, only Nicole and Coreen know the real truth. If he wasn't married, and I wasn't engaged, I would say yes in a second. So that is the most difficult thing. That he more than likely was completely right about getting a sense from me. I was probably giving him all sorts of signals. Can I really be mad at him for that? He didn't know me well enough to understand that, even if I wanted to do something with him, our situation automatically negated it. And even if there weren't those two other people involved, he still has a child. I am not about to get involved in that scenario. I don't even want me own kids, I sure as hell don't want anyone else's.
In the end I think that this is completely a case of "if only". If only he wasn't married, if only he didn't have a nine year old son, if only I wasn't living with my fiance...
Because he really is someone who could understand me quite well given time. That is the part that hurts the most. Now every time something happens between Ricardo and I and he doesn't understand what I want, I have this nagging thought about Tom.
I also talked to Coreen at work about it, mainly because I needed to talk to someone who knew both of us. My friends out on the west coast, much as I rely on them, are all in favor of cutting him off completely. Coreen knows how our friendship was, and will understand a little better what a loss this is for me. She was shocked, like most people have been. She also informed me that he used to be a preacher. Of course. I mean, I knew he was religious, he's got a damn Bible in his cube and a bunch of "praise Jesus" music on his ipod. Why is it that this is the kind of thing you hear about all the time? Straight laced men who are all about Jesus, and then they are secretly cheating on their wives?
So now it is the Sunday after New Year's, and I will most likely see and talk to him tomorrow. After thinking about it for over a week and even writing out a bunch of mean things that I would like to say to him, I still have no idea what I will actually end up saying. And I think I know the reason for that. Of all the people that I've talked to about this, only Nicole and Coreen know the real truth. If he wasn't married, and I wasn't engaged, I would say yes in a second. So that is the most difficult thing. That he more than likely was completely right about getting a sense from me. I was probably giving him all sorts of signals. Can I really be mad at him for that? He didn't know me well enough to understand that, even if I wanted to do something with him, our situation automatically negated it. And even if there weren't those two other people involved, he still has a child. I am not about to get involved in that scenario. I don't even want me own kids, I sure as hell don't want anyone else's.
In the end I think that this is completely a case of "if only". If only he wasn't married, if only he didn't have a nine year old son, if only I wasn't living with my fiance...
Because he really is someone who could understand me quite well given time. That is the part that hurts the most. Now every time something happens between Ricardo and I and he doesn't understand what I want, I have this nagging thought about Tom.
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