Lonely

I have felt a disconnect between us for a while now. Right now he's asleep in the bedroom. I'm in the living room on my laptop. I forgot he was here.
In some ways I wish he hadn't come with me. I know he hates it here and I feel guilty, because I was the one who got the job. I took him away from his job, his friends, his whole life. I know he chose to come with me, but that doesn't make me feel less guilty at all. In fact, it makes it worse. He chose to give it all up, and now I feel like it's not working anymore. And I don't know how to fix it.
He doesn't seem to make any effort either. He doesn't even touch me unless I ask him for a hug. Once I tried to see how long it would take him to say something to me. Three days later I broke the silence. Now I don't let that happen. He does start conversations now, but not often. He still doesn't touch me.
I don't know what to do. I feel like he thinks that he is trapped here. I think that he wants to leave but he can't because he's broke and there are no jobs here. I think that he resents me for making him come to this horrible place.
I want to tell him that it's ok. I understand.
I want to tell him to get out, leave, go back home.
Most of all I want him to love me again.

Unfair

I had planned on talking to Tom about what happened on Christmas Eve when we got back to work on Monday. I prefer to talk to him in person, so that I can get a better read on what he is really saying. Body language tells a lot more than what comes out of the person's mouth. But he wasn't there on Monday, and no one at work had heard anything. So after work I texted him "Are you busy?" to see if he was available to talk. He texted back "yep. my father in law passed away. i'm running around to funeral homes and churches". Holy shit. I replied with my condolences. So now I'm thinking a bunch of horrible things. Like, did he know that his wife's father was sick, and still try to hook up with me anyway?
I also talked to Coreen at work about it, mainly because I needed to talk to someone who knew both of us. My friends out on the west coast, much as I rely on them, are all in favor of cutting him off completely. Coreen knows how our friendship was, and will understand a little better what a loss this is for me. She was shocked, like most people have been. She also informed me that he used to be a preacher. Of course. I mean, I knew he was religious, he's got a damn Bible in his cube and a bunch of "praise Jesus" music on his ipod. Why is it that this is the kind of thing you hear about all the time? Straight laced men who are all about Jesus, and then they are secretly cheating on their wives?
So now it is the Sunday after New Year's, and I will most likely see and talk to him tomorrow. After thinking about it for over a week and even writing out a bunch of mean things that I would like to say to him, I still have no idea what I will actually end up saying. And I think I know the reason for that. Of all the people that I've talked to about this, only Nicole and Coreen know the real truth. If he wasn't married, and I wasn't engaged, I would say yes in a second. So that is the most difficult thing. That he more than likely was completely right about getting a sense from me. I was probably giving him all sorts of signals. Can I really be mad at him for that? He didn't know me well enough to understand that, even if I wanted to do something with him, our situation automatically negated it. And even if there weren't those two other people involved, he still has a child. I am not about to get involved in that scenario. I don't even want me own kids, I sure as hell don't want anyone else's.
In the end I think that this is completely a case of "if only". If only he wasn't married, if only he didn't have a nine year old son, if only I wasn't living with my fiance...
Because he really is someone who could understand me quite well given time. That is the part that hurts the most. Now every time something happens between Ricardo and I and he doesn't understand what I want, I have this nagging thought about Tom.

What The Fuck

I just got hit on by my married coworker who has a nine year old son.
What really sucks is that, under different circumstances, I wouldn't mind going home with him at all. Those circumstances of course being him not being married and me not living with my boyfriend. Him having a kid isn't big on my fun-times list either.
I do like him though. He's one of the few friends I have at work, and I feel like I can be myself around him. Which probably didn't help matters much, now that I think about it.
Today we all left work early, since it's Christmas Eve. He and I went out to have a drink, like ya do. After hanging out there for a while, we went to a park that he told me I should see, since it's all historical and shit. I still haven't gone out and explored this city very much, so knowing about a nice park wouldn't be a bad thing. We wandered around the park and got wished Merry Christmas by some hobos, it was fun. Then he told me that there were some shops that I would like close by, so we went over there too. It was kind of a spontaneous day. After we got over there, I had to pee again, because I'm a girl like that. So I ducked into a bar and took care of business. When I came out there was a pool table right there, so we stopped to play a game. I'm always up for a game of pool. After I lost, we wandered up to a store full of weird ass antiques. There was all sorts of weird shit it there, so it was really fun.
Then we went back to his car and he drove me back to my car at the park. And that's when the Awkward Fairy came and visited us. It went something like this:
Me: I had fun. Thanks for showing me these places.
Him: It was a good day.
Me: Yes, good times.
Him: So, would I completely ruin it by asking...(awkward silence)
Me: Asking what? (slightly panicked)
Him: Do you want...to go...with me...?
Me: Go where with you? (more panicked)
Him: (awkward silence) Yeah, um...I did ruin it huh?
Me: (Even more awkward silence) I wouldn't say ruined, I just...I need to go home.

Then he talked about "sensing a connection" or some such bullshit, and how he was embarrassed. I wasn't really paying attention at that point. But then he said "can I at least get a kiss?" and my attention snapped back. I told him he could have a hug. Because I'm really not that big of a bitch when it comes down to it.
I just really don't understand what happened. Really. I kinda want to talk to him about it, to find out what he was thinking. But at the same time that would be The Awkwardest Thing Ever.

Lair, Liar

So it turns out that he's a liar and a coward. And manipulative. And I'm so over it. I just don't even want to deal with him anymore. He left on his insane trip last Friday, and it has been so nice to go to work and know that he isn't here. Before he left last week a few things happened that let me know exactly what kind of person he is. Cher asked him what had happened that he and I weren't hanging out as much as we used to and he told her that there hadn't been a falling out but he didn't want to talk about it. Whatever. So then later that day he and I were leaving at the same time and we were joking around and whatnot when all of a sudden he goes "Can I talk to you?" Like that ever ends well. I say yes, because what am I gonna say, no? he then tells me what Cher asked him earlier and I had to pretend like I didn't know. Then I steered the conversation back to the issue at hand, which was that she was right, we hadn't been hanging out as much as before. He then proceeded to tell me that he was in fact purposely distancing himself from me so that I wouldn't get the impression that he liked me as more than a friend. There was a lot of "I like having you as a friend", "You're a great person" blah blah blah whatever. The thing that's so grating about that is that it seems that he assumed that giving me the impression that he liked me as more than a friend would warrant me wanting to date him, which is a bit disconcerting. Secondly, and even more grating, is the fact that his prior behavior gave that exact impression to many many people, not just to me. People actually asked him what he was doing, since I had a boyfriend and all. I mean, the way he was acting, that is not how you act toward someone you see as just a friend. Apparently, it was ok to act that way when I had a boyfriend, but now that I don't, it's not safe because there might be repercussions that he would have to deal with.
It really just bothers me that he assumes that I would want to do something if I had the impression that he liked me. If that were the case, I would have already. I have to remind myself that he doesn't know me that well, but I think that he knows me well enough to see that I am a very aggressive person who will go after what I want. I could be wrong.
But here is what really tipped the scale against him. I was cleaning out me emails and I found a series of emails between he and I that were about an incident that took place about a month ago. What had happened was that he asked me into his office and said "Can I ask you a question?" A little freaked out, I said sure because, after all, who says no? He then said "Am I being too obvious?" With sirens and alarms going off in my head, all I could think to say was "Obvious about what?" He then decided that me not knowing what he was talking about was proof that he wasn't being as obvious as he feared and refused to tell me what it was. I talked this whole bizarre incident over with Cher and Christina and we concluded that it had to be that he liked me, based on his flirtatious behavior and that wacky incident. So I tried to goad him into telling me, but he didn't give in and I got bored and dropped it. And then mostly forgot about it. But then, as I said, I found those emails again. So I sent them over to him saying "Hey look what I found when I was cleaning out my inbox! What was that all about anyway? Just curios" Since he had already established that he didn't want me to think that he liked me, this had two purposes. The first was that, if he was telling the truth, I really did want to know what he was worried about being obvious about. Second, if he was lying and he was only just now worried that I might think that he liked me, this was a way to call bullshit on him. In response to my query, he simply replied "I don't remember." My Bullshit-O-Meter almost broke, it was getting such a high reading off of that. I sent him back "Bah.", which is my basic noise-of-discontent-and-disbelief, so then he sent me this:
"Well, like I said, it didn't involve you, and I trusted you to be a neutral 3rd party. The upshot is that I was a little too worried."
Which a) doesn't make a whole lot of sense, b) is somewhat insulting, c) who the fuck is this third party? and d) clearly he did remember. Which I called out to him in my response:
"So you do remember then. I'm just curios what it was, since I couldn't trick you into telling me. If you don't want to tell me, whatever. I was just wondering."
His response? "Sorry."
Sorry for what, motherfucker? Sorry for being a liar? Sorry for being an asshole? Sorry you couldn't trust me for some unknown reason? I mean, what the FUCK?
One of the...I guess beliefs is right. One of the beliefs that I follow in my life is that you judge a person not by what they say, but by their actions. "Deeds will betray a lie" is the exact quote. And with his actions, I have a series of conflicting deeds. Which only leads me to one conclusion. He is a liar. I can't say about what. He may have been lying in the past, just playing a game that has gotten out of hand for him and now he wants to stop. He may be lying now, having changed him mind about me, or who knows what. Either way, the facts line up and point straight to the big flashing neon sign that reads "LIAR".

Also

Another thing is that by texting him, I've now given him a great deal of information about how I feel and what I want. So now he will take his insane trip around the country and it will stew in his head. Then he will come back and I will have a much clearer idea of what he is thinking and what his intentions are. Unless he starts right back up with this vague back-and-forth nonsense.
The thing that bothers me is that he has power over me now. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I just wish that I was sure of how he feels. I used to be quite sure, but now I go back and forth at least once an hour.

Oops...

Once again I learned I cannot be trusted with alcohol and a phone. I do stupid things, like texting the guy who clearly isn't interested anymore and telling him that I wish he had come to my birthday dinner. You would think that I would learn that nothing good ever comes of that kind of thing. I know that I'm coming off as annoying, but I can't seem to stop myself. It's almost like picking a scab. You know you shouldn't, and it hurts, but you do it anyway. Or at least you still really really want to. At least he is leaving for two whole weeks on Friday, and I will have some peace. Or at least some quiet. I might still drive myself crazy, making things up in my head. I'm at the point now where every little thing he does, I read way way too much into it. Any time he looks at me, I am over here putting thoughts into his head, but I can't decide if they're good thoughts or bad ones. And I am making myself crazy, so it will be nice to take a break from all that provocation.

Mass Confusion

The first time I spent any time with him, I came away from it not liking him in the least. I thought he was crass and annoying in fact. And even now I sometimes still do. But somewhere along the way, my feelings changed entirely. I somehow became attracted to him. No, not "somehow", I know exactly how. He does that witty banter competitive conversation thing, and he's good at it. A quick mind is always attractive to me. And his eyes, my goodness does he ever have amazing eyes. At least he isn't really hot, or I might have been in trouble fast. Unless that made him actually seem attainable. Maybe if he had been really hot, I would have been able to just have a fun little crush and move on, knowing that nothing would ever come of it. No, instead, we have spent time together and there was a time when he flirted with me and there was a palpable tension between us, so much so that someone asked him about it. He was embarrassed, and who wouldn't be. Thing was, I had a boyfriend at the time, which complicated matters. But that day, he asked me, "Am I being too obvious?" I panicked like a deer in headlights and played it off like I didn't know what he was talking about, but I did leave him a note that said, "You aren't obvious, but you aren't subtle either." He decided that I was bluffing, and then we had a silly little try-to-get-the-other-person-to-say-it-first-thing. That was dropped after about a week, and he never did tell me exactly what he had been asking about.
We have only hung out like just the two of us on two occasions, both at my house since it's on the way to his. The first time it was normal, but the second time there was a lot of talking about things by metaphor and innuendo. When he went to leave, I went outside with him and we ended up talking for another hour in the cold. And I didn't mind one bit.
Things are much different now. The same person who asked him what was going on between us at some point told him that if he were to ask me out, I wouldn't say no. I didn't know about that until after, and I really wish that she hadn't. Shortly after that, I broke up with my boyfriend. It really had nothing to do with any of this, I had needed to for a while and I finally got the courage to do it. Among my friends, the guy that I had the crush on turned out to be one of the most helpful when I was trying to work things out. Granted, he did take a few jokes too far too soon, but for the most part he was great.
The thing that confuses me is that now that I am essentially available, he has almost completely stopped flirting with me, or really expressing any interest whatsoever. I still see a little interest in his eyes (good lord, his eyes) but that could just be because I make him laugh in general. He will say things occasionally that make me wonder, both ways. Perhaps he is just waiting until enough time has passed. He is going on a two week trip around the country soon. That might have something to do with it. On the other hand, every time that I invite him over or to an event, he has said no.
Maybe I am just a fool, looking for something that isn't there and seeing signs of it in my imagination.